As I was talking about in my last post, the pressure I felt to have sex had been immense from a young age.
About a year after the lie was created I started going out with friends, meeting boys (which were a rarity, as I was at a single sex school), drinking and smoking. All of these things were not in my nature, but everyone else was doing them, and I was extremely quiet and nervous around all of these new people when I wasn't drinking, so this was a much appreciated coping tool.
Drinking made me at times loud and confident; I didn't care what anyone thought of me, so much so that I would come out with anything that came into my head, the stranger the better.
One night, I was out with my friends from school, and with the boys we were all so impressed by. We were sitting in a park, mostly in groups or pairs, but I remember, despite being intoxicated I felt so out of place and lonely. My school friends had all formed close relationships with these boys, and 'new people'. I, on the other hand hadn't.
I would do or say something funny while I was drunk that would make them laugh, or prompt them to encourage me to do something else to entertain them all. But over all I was still apprehensive and didn’t engage in much conversation with them, I wasn't important to any of them, and I was just so uncomfortable in their company.
During one eventful night I saw someone I hadn't seen before, he was quieter than the rest of them, and although he was comfortably talking to his friends I could tell he was also slightly different to the others.
This was partly due to him having braces, and looking a bit more 'posh'. All of us were ‘cool’; we were popular and liked to think we weren't to be messed with. But the boys were a bit rough or 'chavy' if you know what I mean. He was different.
That night was the beginning, and surprisingly, although I know the way it turned out even writing about it is giving me nostalgic butterflies.
I ran towards this boy I had never met and I grasped his hand, and took him to one side, I asked him a couple of questions while he looked at my drunken eyes in confusion, and then I kissed him.
Long story short that was a pretty fucked up time in my life, and for about 2 months I carried on pursuing him. In the end, I gave him an ultimatum, either you are with me or you’re not. The next day, (both of us sober) he came to see me, and that where the next 4 years of dramas, break ups and love began.
In the first week of our relationship we saw each other soberly, in the day and without the influences of our friends. I had learnt that this was new to him; he had never had a proper girlfriend before, and never kissed a girl. I didn't believe him at first as he had a lot of friends and went to a mixed school, plus he wasn't ugly. But it was true, he was a 15 year old boy naive to all of this, and although I had kissed a few boys in a drunken state I was in the same boat.
Sleeping with him for the first time was something I wanted to get out the way, this was for two main reasons: curiosity, and the need to stop my friends dwelling on my made up sexual experience. So with these reasons in mind, I went out with my friends to drink on a Friday night, the first Friday of our relationship.
He came to meet me at the park, and I dragged him away to another place where we could be alone. I told him I wanted to have sex, which considering he was a 14 year old boy he was very cautious about. He said he wanted to wait, and he was worried I would get pregnant. But after much consideration he went off to get some protection and we attempted sex.
Now before I go on I just want to let you know that I look back at this and cringe! I would never proposition someone like this now, and certainly not so early in our relationship or in the same type of situation.
I was too young and desperate to prove myself. I was also so torn up about the lie that I wanted to make it true, I wanted to say that I had lost my virginity and be telling the truth.
So, without going into too much detail, neither of us knew what we were doing and it didn't go well! I don't know if I could even count that as my first time. But at least it was out the way.
The following few weeks were strange, we mainly saw each other alone or with close friends. Not when we were drunk, like we were used to. We texted a lot, but we were still very nervous around each other, so much so that we didn’t really kiss, we were reluctant to hold hands and although I was more myself around him than I was the other boys I had met, I was being very cautious and reserved.
I don’t remember when our real first time was, but I know that it was around 4 or 5 months later!
I will explain more in my next post ......
