I want to talk about sex and the relationship between sex and social anxiety.
If you're not interested in my sex life I would stop reading now (although I won't go into graphic detail!).
Sex is something I came to know about at a younger age than I expected.
My first encounter with social anxiety was when I started Secondary/High School, it was as if I had been in a bubble my whole life and without warning it suddenly popped. People were threatening, and I was incredibly self aware.
Relationships with people before had not been exactly easy, but I could easily adapt to situations and people, and could communicate just like any other kid, some anxiety and inhibitions were there, although I didn't know it, and they hadn't caused me any apprehension.
I felt immense pressure to prove myself, and fit in at secondary school, and after a stressful first 6 months, where I was terribly introverted and lonely, I started adapting to my new life, started making friends.
Over the next year I was in the process of becoming a new person; new appearance- (that led me to develop an eating disorder), new (apparent) confidence, new attitude and new behaviour. I had learnt what was essential to survive.
Part of the process included sex- talking about it, learning about it and acknowledging the prospect of doing it. I wanted to fit in, so I lied. I thought having sex was what was expected of me, and I suppose the logic was once I have 'done it' I wont have to go through the anxiety and pressure of being the only one who hadn't done it. I was 12.
I said I had had sex with a friend I knew through my family, who was about 15. I said the place, the time, made up a phone number for him, and even went in the opposite direction after school to meet him. Every little detail was thought of. He did not exist.
I don't know why I said this, it is all a blur, all I know is that this lie had no structure or supporting evidence. And although to this day it has never been publicly uncovered, I have carried the excess guilt and suspense around with me ever since. I did not gain anything positive from this, and any positive impact this lie had on my social life at the time only reinforced to me that I had to hide and be someone else to fit in.
It is well known teenagers lie about their sexual experiences, and have insecurities. But I am aware that as I was so young this behaviour is not normal, and was troubling. There are possible causes and explanations for my behaviour, and other details that I wont go in to.
However, this is only the beginning of how anxiety and low self confidence has impacted my experiences with sex.
