I have just got back from holiday, well, the other day.
While I was away my days were filled with purpose, I had places to go, and things to see with my family. I had nothing I needed to commit to, and small talk with anyone was without much pressure and most significantly the outcome of any conversation I had with anyone (though I didn't have very many) would be a mystery as I would be gone, I would be in a different country where I would never have to worry about the repercussions of the possibly unsuccessful impressions I made on anyone.
So I left filled with some hope that coming home would be a perfect time to really work on changing, teamed with CBT, I thought I could really motivate myself to improve. I didn't fool myself into believing that I would magically be able to cope with previously almost disabling anxiety; but I did set myself the task of facing some of my smaller fears, which could eventually lead to living a functional life.
The first full day back I unpacked and tidied which was a helpful diversion from seeing my friend. I knew what I was doing was feeding my anxiety, but I just couldn't sit in her house and try to speak to her while I fought to ignore the heat rushing to my face through my carefully placed makeup and my heart beating through my clothes because of the risk of people making a unexpected visit, which could mean I would be there for hours and hours trying to present myself as a normal person who didn't feel unwanted and inferior.
I sat at home, I watched TV, I waited until she forgot I existed and stopped ringing me. But I knew this wouldn't happen, and I knew I would have to see her. Don't get me wrong I want to be with my friends, but it depends on the situation, if I am not comfortable, then I am barely there anyway.
I rang her and went to her house, before I pulled up I (as I always do) checked for visitors and other relatives that would have forced me to turn my car around and drive home.
It looked 'safe', so I went in. I stayed there for an hour or maybe less- I have no concept of time when I am anticipating an anxiety attack.
We went out (alone) and talked like normal. Except every time I see friends now I realise there is less and less to say, and less and less in my life to laugh about. This is a new reason for me to not see anyone: depression and silence. This is how my anxiety started, I became depressed (though I didn't know it at the time), not anxious. I had nothing to say and I felt I shouldn't be with my happy vivacious friends, I felt I was intruding, I had always been fun and always had something to say to my close friends, what good was I if I felt like shit and didn't want to be there?
I used to just walk away from parties, nightclubs and bars I was at. Just disappear into the night.
Anxiety is now the main barrier in my life, the one I am constantly aware of. But it seems depression is the foundation of my anxiety, which is being layed down in the remaining relationships I have.
Yes I can identify what has happened and what is happening,
what can I do to stop it?
