I am in need of a MASSIVE rant!
I am fed up of people assuming things about me. My symptoms of social anxiety and depression lead people I know (including my family) to believe all kinds of things about me.
One of my friends is aware I suffer from anxiety (but doesn't know how bad), my other friends don't know at all. My mum knows about my anxiety and depression, and the rest of my immediate family know to a lesser extent.
Despite some of the people I know being aware of why I am like I am at the moment, everybody seems to have the same underlying opinions:
- I am lazy
- I am a sponger- off the government and my family.
- I am comfortable doing nothing and I cannot be bothered to do anything constructive
- I am a rude person
- I am either quiet and timid, aggressive and intolerant or prude
- I am content
- I am not interested in meeting new people
- I think I am superior to others
- I am not fun/boring
- My personality has changed from what I was because I have become more mature
These are just some of the allegations I have heard from friends and family- either indirectly or directly.
The truth is:
- I have no motivation and feel hopeless sometimes
- I feel too anxious to have a job, where I would have to communicate with others regularly. I would have to do small talk and once I get to know the people I would have to reveal the real me; neither of which I am good at or comfortable with. Also the commitment to a job makes me feel trapped and claustraphobic. Therefore the only way of me surviving is claiming jobseekers benefit and living with my family.
- I am frustrated that I have potential but I feel I cannot fulfil it as my personal skills let me down. I want to do so many things but my lack of motivation, fear of failure and fear of rejection from people holds me back.
- I may seem rude because I give blunt answers to questions and don't make conversation with new people much. I suppose also ignoring people I know to avoid them, and impatience with my family is also considered rude. Pushing people away is something I sometimes automatically do; it is easier for me than being close to people, or being rejected.
- I am naturally shy with strangers but very opinionated and extravagant and fun with people I know. This has changed since anxiety has caused me to become more introverted.
- I want to have relationships with others and meet new people but I am afraid, not uninterested.
- I try to help and change other's problems while ignoring my own. Also because it is hard for me to talk to others and make small talk I may seem unfriendly and uncaring- like what they have to say is not interesting or important. In most cases I kind of zone out in panic. I usually want to get to know the person and feel they are superior to me!
- I tend to stay in and avoid doing things I would enjoy due to the pressure of the social aspect of them. I also am more reserved and less inclined to talk about superficial things or make jokes (unless I am being self deprecating or sarcastic). Anxiety makes me take everything more seriously than I would normally.
- In some ways I have become more mature, but I am still childlike and immature in a lot of ways, I just can't rebel and take risks like I used to.
I am so frustrated! And also angry that people who can see my symptoms and even know my situation can think these things about me. It is ignorant to believe that all my problems stem from me not having a job or my ONLY problem is me not having a job. I admit it wont get better for me if I don't do anything, but throwing myself into a job and expecting my problems to disappear is naive- I did that a couple of months ago, and I felt much, much worse.
Ok rant over. Hopefully some people reading this can understand how frustrating it is to be judged like this!
