To whoever is reading and following sorry I haven’t updated my blog in a while, I've had things on my mind and have been distracted, also I haven't really been motivated.
But I am now- kind of
I want to write about fantasy, not innocent fiction, hope or day dreams but the defence mechanism of fantasising.
I have noticed recently, well, admitted to myself recently, that I spend a crazy amount of time watching television, looking at videos on YouTube, and reading celebrity gossip on the internet. The worst part about it is that I don't even 'read' these articles, I look at the pictures! And the programmes I watch I can only watch 30 minutes at a time before I lose concentration (half an hour later I return to the sitting and the watching). Put it this way, a film requires too much effort and an article or a book is daunting.
Celebrity pictures and trivial videos require little concentration, attention and effort from me, and there is no commitment to a story or serious issue. In a way I hate that I do this, but if I totally am honest I secretly love looking at these pretty people, reading about superficial crap and investing nothing but time in this activity.
When I look at the apparrent glamour and glittering beauty of celebrities I am very aware that I don't agree with the manipulating nature of celebrity culture, and I am disgusted by the superficiality a lot of these people represent; but I am clearly a victim of the things I hate, and some of the things I oppose and resist in 'real life' are exactly what is consuming my thoughts for the majority of my day.
I have also noticed myself being over ambitious, thinking about what I could do with my life, all sorts of possibilities- or impossibilities. It's as if I retreat into fantasising about what and how I want to be. This is normal to a degree but I am being incredibly unrealistic and really jumping the gun, I have pretty bad anxiety, and unless I win the lottery, loose all my inhibitions, and have a personality transplant over night these things will not happen. These thoughts, including some realistic ones, leave me hopeful, and optimistic, but inevitably (after all, they are only fantasies), I come crashing down into a depression.
I am now fully aware that I am diverting my attention from my own problems and the responsibility I should be taking in changing my life for the better; I am avoiding seeing friends, talking to the people I love, maintaining and creating relationships, practising things I am good at, learning, working and earning money, and building the foundation of a life that I want so badly. But fear is what keeps me from doing this, and as I am so detached from any 'normal' life, I am unsure as to what life is better- a life potentially plagued with pain and anxiety- which may never go away, or a life where I am alone with my thoughts but free of anxiety.
But I am unsure because no one knows what life has in store for them, life is what you make it, and carrying on the way I am is avoiding any feeling, any real emotion, all I have is potential and what good is that if I never try and fulfil it?
Fantasy is an immature defence mechanism. People use defence mechanisms to protect themselves from distress, anxiety and pain, and to cope with difficult situations they do not have the resources to cope with. People also use defence mechanisms to maintain a positive image/perception of themselves.
When people over use defence mechanisms and their behaviour becomes severely maladaptive and prevents them from functioning adequately, and their thoughts become self destructive this is when a defence mechanism becomes an abnormality and possibly a psychological disorder. Defence mechanisms can be conscious or unconscious, and there are a variety of styles of defences people use.
I am becoming more and more aware of particular strategies I use to 'protect myself' from my anxiety, and fantasy is one I am realising I may be retreating into more than I previously thought.
I know a little bit about this stuff but I am definitely not that educated in Defense mechanisms, so I am gonna paste this from Wikipedia! :)
This is just a list of immature defence mechanisms people use (including fantasy):
Level 2 - Immature
These mechanisms are often present in adults and more commonly present in adolescents. These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. People who excessively use such defences are seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defences and overuse almost always leads to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defences are often seen in severe depression and personality disorders. In adolescence, the occurrence of all of these defences is normal.
They include:
- Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse in action, without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behaviour.
- Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
- Idealisation: Unconsciously choosing to perceive another individual as having more positive qualities than he or she may actually have.
- Passive Aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively such as using procrastination.
- Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hyper vigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting". It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.
- Projective identification: The object of projection invokes in that person precisely the thoughts, feelings or behaviours projected.
- Somatisation: The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness, and anxiety.
It's scary when you read about these mechanisms, knowing overuse of any of them could lead to a severe mental disorder. Everyone uses some defence mechanisms but it's hard to tell whether you are being extreme or not.
Anyway, since I have emerged from the denial I have started to worry about what I am doing; am I addicted to celebrity culture and living vicariously through others? Will I ever be able to motivate myself to do anything constructive with my own life?
I have come to the conclusion that I will still read this crap and still watch reality television, there is a big difference between escapism and obsession, I definitely need to prioritise better! I need to put my efforts into sorting my life out and putting my abilities to good use. But when I have spare time or anxiety wears me out, watching just one episode of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ might be ok?
